Ryan Greenberg

As part of my grad school application saga I have been investigating scholarships that I could apply for. After I determined that I was no longer eligible for the Duct Tape Prom Dress scholarship my Google search landed me at FastWeb.

One of the scholarship eligibility forms I had to fill out was a bizarre “Personal Attributes” checklist. Here is a selection of the more interesting boxes on the 43-item list. I assume there is some scholarship, somewhere that corresponds with each item. Check all that apply to you.

• Adopted
• Against the Death Penalty
• Bilingual
• Birth mother who has placed a child for adoption
• Bisexual
• Cancer, Siblings Diagnosed With
• Clinically Overweight
• Farm, Raised On
• Feminist
• From Small Town <25,000 Population
• Gay / Lesbian
• Height: Women, 5'10" or above; Men 6'2" or above
• Last Name Van Valkenburg
• Mobile Home Park Resident
• Orphan (Parentless)
• Parent of Multiples (Twins, Triplets, etc.)
• Parent, Student With Dependent Child(ren)
• Refugee
• September 11, Affected By Tragedy
• Student, One of Multiples (Twins, Triplets, etc.)
• Transgender
• Transplant Recipient
• Undocumented Immigrant
• Vegetarian

I’m sure I’ll be able to pay for school through a combination of loans and fellowships, but I can’t shake the feelings that I’d be in a better place if I were a 6'4" transgendered feminist vegetarian triplet from a mobile home park in a small town farming community who was affected by September 11. Well, a better place in financial aid terms at least.